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some lawyer-related jokes

Did you hear that they are planning to stop using rats in laboratories and start using lawyers?
They're more of 'em and you don't get as emotionally attached. (or: There are things a rat just won't do.)

Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first choice.

Three surgeons were sitting around talking and the first one says:
"The easiest people in the world to do surgery on is the Germans; you open them up and everything is in its proper place, at its proper size and everything is aligned precisely."
The second surgeon interrupted and said: "The easiest people to do surgery on is the Japanese; you open them up and everything is color coded."
The last surgeon said: "You guys got it all wrong. The easiest people to do surgery on are the lawyers. They only have two moving parts, a mouth and an asshole, and they're interchangeable."

What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead animal in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the animal.

An elderly woman went to a lawyer to make out a will. After she was done she handed the attorney a $100 bill. After she had left the attorney discovered that stuck to the first bill was another $100 bill. This raised a difficult moral and ethical question for the lawyer: Should he or should he not tell his partner?

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither driver is hurt. It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either, however.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?", the doctor wonders.
"After the police get here.", replies the lawyer.

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc... While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."
"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A fellow at a bar stands up during happy hour and yells out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
The bar quiets down, another guy pipes back, "I resent that!"
The first fellow then ask, "What, are you a laywer?"
The second fellow responds, "No, I'm an asshole."

An Engineer died and went to see St. Peter who told him that he was sorry but could not let the engineer into heaven. At first the conditions bothered the engineer but after a while he started to make improvements. He added an escalator, running water, and after a couple of months even air conditioning. Of course eventualy god heard about the changes down below. God phoned up the devil and explained that a misstake had been made and that the engineer would have to be moved up to heaven. The devil said no, because he liked the changes too. God told the devil "This is your last chance. Send that engineer up here or I'll sue you!" The devil laughed "Ha, where are you going to find a lawyer?"

How can you tell that a lawyer is lying?
His mouth is moving.

What are 10.000 dead lawyers in the Frisco bay?
A good start.

A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles.
"Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.
"It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."

How many actual lawyer jokes are there?
Only two. The rest are all true stories!

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir,you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."